Who knew the lowly, laughable ch-ch-ch-Chia also promotes heart and digestive health? How do I know this? Well, while rooting around through the pantry looking for some Cape Cod potato chips recently, I came across a jar of Chia seeds. 

Then I looked at the claims on the jar and realized Barbie would eventually be secretly sprinkling it on my steel cut oatmeal to get more omaeg-3 supplements into my body. That’s true love, friends. Still, I needed to confront her about this diabolical plan to get me to eat chia pet food.

“But what if I start sprouting chia fur from my ears,” I pleaded? “Or on the palms of my hands? People will point and snicker. Children will run the other way from Chia Man. And will my Fusion 6-blade razor slice and dice through my new vegetation?”

Lady Baba assured me I had not been secretly feed chia seeds. To my relief, the seal of the jar had not been broken and a close inspection of my ears showed no greater amount of fur than the usual small tufts that already live there. There was no topiary growing from my palms.

Then it struck me. All those As Seen on TV products, like Chia Pets, are really a secret conspiracy to make Americans healthier at a cost of just $19.99 a month, unless you act right now at which point your good health will be doubled at no extra cost! I quickly ran to my TV and began surfing cable until I found one ad after another with products I could envision making me healthier.

Take the Snuggie for example. This blanket with sleeves is the perfect device to help you lose weight. Simply put it on in mid-July and run a 26-mile marathon. You start the race with a Kevin James body and hit the finish line looking like Mario Lopez. Ladies, it works for you, too. Drop four dress sizes as you do an hour on the treadmill, all while wearing your stylish Snuggie.

But wait, there’s more! Have you seen the Roll Up Piano? This battery-powered flexible keyboard can be set up anywhere to create an on-the-spot instant dance party. You can jitterbug those pounds away in airport terminals, shopping malls and fast food restaurants.

Keep working on your New Year’s resolution to lose weight today. Operators are standing by to take your call! 

“I always enjoy having my picture taken with such a good-looking woman,” he said, obliging an 80-something woman (he’s 80). “Thank you for  your service to our country,” I heard him say to a marine seated at the next table.

It’s nice to see a celebrity news personality, who must get bugged all the time in public, treat every admirer with charm and sincerity. Makes me glad I watched CBS for the many years he succeded another gentleman, Walter Cronkite. And that’s the way it was, this morning, January 9, 2012.

I feel your pain, brotha! My timing is just as bad. I bought a big honkin’ Ariens snow blower right after our 17-inch Halloween snow storm. Hasn’t snowed since. Just as bad: I put in a brick and stone firepit in my back yard in October. It snowed once (Halloween), then stayed cold at night so I haven’t used THAT either! Maybe if I buy a $1300 treadmill, January temperatures will be 65 everyday and I will walk outside instead of using the exercise toys.

That’s OK, you can thank me for buying the snow blower…my bad timing has been everyone else’s good fortune so far this winter. Should I order that treadmill?

I went Christmas shopping for a new duvet with Barbara at one of those stores that feature nice accessories for one’s home. At first I resisted going along, because my duvet hunting license had expired after our last hunt at Macy’s 2 years ago. She assured me that the décor police are very understanding about such things.

I could tell Babs was getting into stalking mode as we snuck past the Rachel Ray hunting knives and crawled past the dogs-playing-poker wall hangings.

Suddenly, we came upon an opening in a stand of silk plants that revealed a wall filled with brightly-colored duvets. We would build a duck blind here and observe them from a distance before moving in for the kill. Barbara’s pulse quickened as she spotted a brown, white and blue Nautica duvet with a full compliment of bedding accessories. I was ready for a nap but she was all set to pounce. Shopping, I mean, hunting makes me sleepy.

“That design line has been discontinued by Nautica,” the store associate told us. Being the trooper that she is, Barbara retuned to the silk plant blind to make a new plan. Before long, we spotted an accent pillow in the color scheme she wanted. Hopefully, there would be a bedding set nearby that matched this lone pillow.

The same woman returned to tell Barb that it was placed there by mistake. “A rogue pillow,” is what she called it. A rogue pillow? When’s the last time you heard those two words in the same sentence? I wasn’t quite sure what to make of this associate. She was working on a display bed, using a spatula to tuck in the sheets and covers. Upon closer inspection, I noted that she was using a rogue spatula.

Just to get things moving, I suggest we get the “Hello Kitty” duvet set and go home. She ignored my idea and began stalking silk pillow cases. I admitted I wasn’t a fan of silk bedding and she explained that when you sleep on silk pillow cases, you don’t get bed head. You’re good to go next morning without having to plug in a curling iron or sprits some spray onto your head.

Just as we were about to break camp for the night, a duvet in three earth tone colors leapt in front of us. Without missing a beat, and in leopard-like form, the huntress wrestled her prey into the shopping cart. Ernest Hemingway would be proud. She also scored a set of matching 650-thread count sheets and duvet clips that keep the comforter from bunching up inside the duvet. The hunt was a success. I was exhausted and would sleep well content with the thought that we captured our own duvet.

The best part? I had no nightmares about rogue pillows.

Mike Morin the retired hockey player – Twenty years my junior, this MM played in Europe for the Manchester Storm, where apparently he was popular with the fans. He even tried his hand at roller hockey in San Jose. Probably the toughest MM that I’ve Googled.

Mike Morin the Mixed Martial Arts guy – OK, this MM is the toughest guy in our little party. On May 6^th, the Maine native defeated his opponent 35-seconds into the 2^nd round. The fight was stopped by the referee. I never realized the name Mike Morin had such machismo attached to it. I’m having a testosterone moment.

Mike Morin the used car sales guy – Mike Morin’s Auto Center in Auburn, Maine is not known for beating people up like a few Mike Morins that shall go nameless. In fact, an online review says, “By far the most friendly, honest and dependable auto shop in town! Also like their new waiting area with the leather couches and Keurig coffee machine.” You can never go wrong combining friendliness and leather.

Michael Morin the photographer – Yes, this MM of Michigan uses the more formal version of our name. One of his selling points is that he wants to provide the best customer service possible. Hey Michael: Follow the car guy’s example. Friendliness and leather. Works every time.

Mike Morin the drummer – I found this MM on the web site for a New Jersry band called Bad Whiskey. Mike says, “After experiments with Gamma rays I developed super strength and size. With this also comes the terrible side effects, a green color and uncontrollable rage.” Maybe we can put him in a steel cage match with MM the martial arts guy. My money’s on the Hulk.

Mike Morin the waterproofing guy – From Wells, Maine. Finally found an award winner in this group of MMs. From a basement treatment web site: “Mike was awarded the Basement Systems Certified Waterproofing Professional title in 2001.” Pride does not begin to describe what it means to be named Mike Morin until you meet the last on my list of Google twins.

Mike Morin, bed bug hunter – This Connecticut resident is with Bedbug Finders. In fact, I located his certification of training. “To whom it may concern: This letter is to certify that Mr. Michael Morin and bedbug detection canine “Willie,” attended the Florida Canine Academy/Bedbug Dog in September of 2009 and received their certification as a team trained in bedbug detection.”

Feel free to send any complaint emails to Mike Morin the Mixed Martial Arts guy.

Another of life’s sweet moments is when I find a restaurant that knows how to make a Jamaican margarita, which doesn’t use a commercial sour mix but instead a nice lime juice instead, shaving about 400 unwanted calories from my favorite cocktail.

A few others include getting that last slice of week-old bread in the bag that doesn’t have any mold on it. Also, finding a clean pair of underwear in my drawer after thinking there would be none. I love it when I can see a storm coming while cutting the lawn and I finish up just as the first raindrops hit the lawnmower.

I don’t need top be rich or famous when I can get through the week with a few of these simple pleasures to keep me sane.

10. Pumpkins look good with a white topping that isn’t Cool Whip.

9. Making snow angels in my devil costume was just plain wrong.

8. The more pumpkin martinis I drank, the more I enjoyed the snow.

7. No power means I get out of vacuuming the house.

6. No Internet means no stupid emails from Nigeria about the millions coming to me.

5. With no Internet, I finally had the time to clean the grout in the shower.

4. Enjoyed playing Chutes and Ladders with Lady Baba by Yankee Candle light.

3. Borrowed Scott Spradling’s uber leaf blower to clear the snow from my driveway.

2. Halloween candy is half off!

1. Neighborhood kids paid ME to clear a path so they could get to my door for candy!