M - If ever there was a scenario for a shorter major league baseball season, the Red Sox 2011 campaign should be the reason 162 games is way too many. Get rid of April and September like the minor leagues do. If that had been the case this year, our beloved BoSox would have been 130-0. Or close to that. April is too cold in northern cities and September is football season. Instead, after 160 games, the Sox are now hoping for help from the dreaded New York Yankees to help them secure a post season play-off berth which they clearly do not deserve. How pathetic. Time to let the “boys of summer” play the great American pastime during summer: May, June, July and August. Let the World Series finish in early September, NOT early November, just 2 short months before the Bruins play their annual hockey game at Fenway.  It’s time to stop playing ball in September, just like the Red Sox did this year.

M - I’ve been traumatized again. I’ve been asked to make too many choices. 

It’s time again to get new glasses. I have been putting it off  because it’s just too painful to pick the style of frames I want. An eye glasses store is where people go when they have a week with nothing else to do. Instead of going to the beach, they spend days trying on glasses.

I actually asked the eye wear associate assisting me to please help someone else while I browsed because her presence added too much pressure to my clear case of terminal indecision. Why can’t we just have 2 choices, Drew Carey or John Lennon-style glasses?

I hate choices.

Now, I’m beginning to panic. I’m about a week away from needing to order new checks. Have you seen the insane collections of custom checks? Who’s going take a middle age cat (me) seriously when he pays for a manly set of socket wrenches at Sears with a Sponge Bob Square Pants personal check? I’d consider getting some Elvis checks, but I refuse to contribute to his estate. The guy makes about 50 million dollars a year more than me and he’s been dead for over 30 years.

Choices are killing me.

As much as I love cable TV, Bruce Springsteen almost had it right with his 90s hit, “57 Channels (and there’s nothing on).” Today it’s more like “357 Channels (and there’s only Time Life commercials on).”

Anyone remember these Lovin’ Spoonful lyrics from the mid 60s hit Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind?

“Sometimes you really dig a girl the moment you kiss her

And then you get distracted by her older sister

When in walks her father and takes you a line

And says, ‘You better go home, son, and make up your mind.’”

I’ve made up my mind, Dad. I’m picking the girl who’s not wearing Drew Carey glasses.

M - Finally. The news we’ve been waiting for. Eat chocolate and live longer. Where do I sign up for this diet? A new British study paints chocolate as a wonder drug. I don’t care what the co-pay is. Fill my prescription, please! Taken as directed, chocolate can cut the risk of heart disease by 37%, reduce stroke by 29% and reduce your chances of developing diabetes by 31%. Possible side effects include developing a muffin top, cavaties and an unending desire for potato chips. If cravings persist for more than 4 hours, call your doctor. With any amount of luck, s/he will likely recommend: “Take 2 M & Ms and call me in the morning.” YES!

M - Could you use an extra $48 a week? Who couldn’t? A new survey by Visa claims the average American spends $2,400 a year on stuff we can’t account for.  That’s over a hundred grand in the course of a lifetime. Each! A buck for gum on Monday. Five bucks for a froofy coffee on Tuesday. You know the drill. By Friday, the equivalent of two of your Andrew Jacksons has vanished into thin air.

In a moment of silent financial introspection, I’ve concluded that a chunk of my unaccounted-for $48 ends up in those take-a-penny, leave-a-penny dishes you see at checkout counters nearly everywhere. They’ve become black holes for my disposable income. I average 7 or 8 visits a week to grocery stores and almost always drop my pennies into the tray at the register. If there was a dish for other coins, I would gladly contribute dimes and quarters. Why? Because whatever money I lose through coins, I make up for in pants pockets that last years longer because these stinkin’ coins aren’t burrowing through the fabric and creating holes in them.

Honestly, if I were the Secretary of Coinage for our government, I’d eliminate pennies altogether. It’s a no-brainer, folks. Pennies cost about 1.5 cents each to produce. The only thing stopping me from an all out public assault on pennies is the fact that several charities depend on penny contributions to serve their clients.

If you see me bending over to pick up a penny on the sidewalk, please be patient. All I’m trying to doing is get some of my $48 back.

M - I’ve been thinking about politeness lately. It’s good to be nice to one another.  But I do have some thoughts and questions on the subject:

•  When you say, “God bless you,” after a person’s first sneeze, do you continue repeating it after each succeeding blast? Do you stop blessing them after 1 sneeze? Three? Six? If they succumb to a heart attack after sneeze #4 and never recover, do you blame yourself because you didn’t say, “God Bless You?”
• Let’s say you’re following someone out of the Mall of New Hampshire where there are 2 sets of glass exit doors. Do you say, “Thank you” again after passing behind them through door #2? If there are 3 doors and you thank them 3 times, does the third time constitute stalking?
• Is it creepy for a man to open a car door for another man? I realize it’s a chivalrous gesture for a guy to open a woman’s door or vice versa. Until I get the official word from Miss Manners, you can open your own car door when I’m driving, Sparky.
• What’s the protocol for taking the last pork chop from the serving platter? Of course, you will politely ask your dining companions, “Anyone want this last pork chop?” Predictably, no one will want to deprive you, so the overly-polite diners will insist you enjoy the last one. Do you really need it though? By now it’s room temperature and pools of congealed grease are forming on it. Personally, I’d fight for the last piece of chocolate cake before I’d duel for a chewy chop.
• How can you tell if it’s OK to hug someone you’re being introduced to? In this day of more men hugging each other, I’m not sure what to do. Not wishing to appear homophobic, I’ll hug another guy if I see him go into his “embrace mode” upon approaching me.
• Do you ever politely lie to someone who, upon seeing you says, “Wow! You look great” by responding, “So do you?” Do you say it even if they look awful?

Thank you for reading today’s blog on over-politeness. No thank YOU. NO, thank YOU!!!!!

M - Now that the debt ceiling debate has picked your pocket to the tune of about $10,000 for the average 401k, the jokes are flying.

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari. Another one: What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can’t sell anything? “A Quarter-pounder with cheese, please.” Budda bing.

Speaking of the economy, I just found out from Stephanie Nelson, a/k/a “Coupon Mom,” that 99% of coupons never get used, meaning over $300 billion in savings gets wasted each year. Maybe President Obama plans on sending unused coupons to pay down our debt.

M - In 1981 Nina Blackwood was a star on MTV. Thirty years later Snooki is the queen. I no longer want my MTV. Tracy and I spoke with the original MTV VJ (video jockey) recently and we all agreed, we MISS our MTV of old. On August 1, 1981, a pioneering group of people signed the cable channel on with a video by the Buggles called, Video Killed the Radio Star. Lucky for me, that never really came to be. I would submit that we can re-invent that feeling with an updated song (I’ll write it later) Snooki Killed the VJ Star. OK, not entirely true since MTV abandoned being a real source for music videos long before Nicole Snooki Polizzi poofed up her first beehive hairdo. I miss I Ran by Flock of Seagulls and A-Ha’s Take on Me. I miss Nina’s fabulous blond mane and rock ‘n roll wardrobe. In her place, we get potty-mouthed personalities on Jersey Shore. I no longer want my (Bleep’n) MTV.

M - I will never complain about potholes on River Road in Manchester ever again. On Wednesday, I went on a trip in a street-legal Indy car. Not on a smooth track. On city roads. NH Motor Speedway offered me the opportunity to  cruise with driver Grant in a 1600-pound Indy race car. Was it fun? Yes! Was it comfortable? No, but still worth the experience. We brought the red rocket to Camp Foster for the kids at the Boys and Girls Club summer camp to enjoy. Boy, did they! Smiles, questions, pictures and more questions for Grant. I sat in a small opening with no seat right behind the driver. At 5-10 and 160 pounds, I barely fit into my compartment. Grant is a tad bigger. He had to remove the detachable steering wheel just to fit into his tiny space. Once we got going, I forgot how tight my legs were in front of me. It was literally like driving a supercharged go cart in traffic. Loud, very low and fast! With about a 2-inch chassis clearance above the road, I felt every rock that kicked up under my butt on the dirt road to Camp Foster. I have new-found respect for the likes of Danica Patrick who literally muscles her car for hours at 200 mph. I had a great time and I’m hoping to be able to sit down again one of these days!

M - What’s the deal with rats starring in TV commercials these days? There’s a funny ad for a car company that stars some ghetto rodents wearing hip hop clothing driving around that’s actually pretty amusing. The other is an Orkin commercial that also features real-life rats. With all the unemployed actors looking for work, why are casting directors hiring rats? Are we outsourcing acting jobs to lower life forms the way we’ve outsourced call centers overseas?

Oh..something else that made me go, “Huh?” I just put down some lawn fertilizer this morning and noticed that it says “Green meadow scent” on the bag. Do we really need to make fertilizer smell like cheap French perfume? Seriously, it reminds me of one of those awful plug-in scent things for your home. Actually, it smells like a cross between fertilizer and scented dryer sheets. What’s next? A hanging Scotts fertilizer air freshener for my car? Maybe next time I fertilize, I should pick up some cow manure at my local farm…that ALSO has a “green mountain” scent…the REAL kind!

M - I’m here to declare that there is no recession. We all have more disposable income than we really need. Of course, that’s not really true but it sure felt like it to me this past 4th of July weekend. Lady Baba and I were guests of my daughter Liz and husband Dave at Dave’s brother’s cottage on the ocean in Marshfield, MASS. The modest 3-season home is 70 years old but is literally on the beach. Nice real estate. And front row seats to the most unbelievable fireworks barrage I have ever seen in my life. With a shoreline view of a couple miles in either direction, there were no less than 10 pyrotechnic displays going on for over two hours Sunday night. And I mean professional grade fireworks, the kind you see at Fisher Cats games or at municipal events. At one point I thought I was witnessing Armageddon. It was impressive and disturbing all at the same time. I needed a Linda Blair swivel head to see it all. Then I started doing the math. The average display easily ran into the thousands of dollars as each beach display tried to out-do the other. It was then that it occured to me that the recession must be over as people are literally sending their money into the air for me to enjoy for free. I didn’t see one kid with sparklers this year. Guess I’ll watch for those during the next economic downturn.